Oh, what a night (and day)

The past 24 hours have been most eventful... Chaing Mai is a gem, and a drastic change of pace from the hustle and bustle of Bangkok. When I got up this morning, I perused the brochures that my guesthouse had to offer and 15 minutes later, I was picked up for quite an adventure!

We headed out of town for about an hour. The scenic drive took us through the countryside and set us up for a jam-packed day of activity. We visited a small village, trekked a few miles through the forest to swim under a waterfall, rode elephants, rafted down a river... um, I feel like I'm forgetting something... either way, I took pictures which I will upload in good time.

Now, for the real story that I can't tell with pictures. BUT... the following story will be, either, a humorous PG-13 or an X-rated abomination, depending on the orientation of your moral compass. I'm saying this because I know that a wide spectrum of friends and family are reading this blog and I don't want to offend anybody. This story doesn't involve anything that I did, but I will go into detail on things that some people might find slightly offensive or downright disgusting. You've been warned, so read at your own risk.

Here we go.

Last night, after checking in, I started walking around Chaing Mai. As I was crossing a street, a fellow on a motorbike said "hello" and we started talking. I'll refrain from using his real name and just call him Jimmy.

Anyhow, Chiang Mai is Jimmy's hometown and true to Thai form, he was very nice. He has three jobs; he's a tour guide, primarily, but he also runs beauty pageants and works for an organization that sends Thai students to Canada in a study-abroad program. He gave me the card for his tour guide company, so I felt confident that he wasn't a scammer. I told him that I had just arrived and he asked if he could show me the town on his motorbike. Sure! Sweet!

We rode to the historical town square and stopped by his tour guide stand so he could pick up some papers and such. We went to one of the markets and, over some food, I looked at picture albums from his beauty pageants for men, women and lady-boys, which were quite impressive, I must say! (FYI: Lady-boys, in America, would fall under the transsexual umbrella, but they aren't discriminated against in the same way. Most of the lady-boys that I've seen work for bars, bringing in tourists from the sidewalk.)

Jimmy and I talked about damn near every topic of conversation, both enjoying the exchange. He asked if we could stop by his apartment so he could change, so we did, and I looked at another photo album of his last birthday party, which was held in a very nice reception hall with 50+ guests, professional entertainment, etc. The dude is impressive, quite the socialite!

By this point, we had been hanging out for two hours or so. I wanted to get a drink before retiring for the evening and I asked him what the best places were. He told me about two of his favorite spots, real Thai bars, not touristy places. The first was a "student bar" and the second was a "strip show" bar which he described as a pretty wild place... lady-boys, men, women, etc.

I'm no fan of strip clubs. In fact, I positively detest them. I went to one when I was 18, found it terribly depressing, and I've never been back since. However... Thailand?! Lady-boys?! An illegal club?! (Such things are illegal in Thailand.) The way I figured it, tourists never get to see this stuff. I would be a damn fool to turn it down.

The entrance to the club was hidden away in an alley. The decor was very nice, very posh, and the drinks were very expensive by Thai standards. When we walked in, a lady-boy was lip-syncing to a cheesy, romantic pop song. This was the calm before the storm.

Moments later, a young Thai man with a penis implant is dancing, furiously, in assless chaps and a wig. This is all pretty amazing to me and, around this time, Jimmy starts getting very close to me and the conversation takes some interesting turns. He starts telling me about his group-sex escapades when he was a student in Holland. He tells me that he wants to make a porno and that I should be in it. I joke that doing so will ruin my political career. He says that I can wear a helmet, the camera will only see my ass. He says that, being an American, I must have a huuuge dick. He jokes that I can go down on him for 50 baht, and then lowers it to 49.

Maybe I'm just dense... maybe I can't read signals... but, until we got to the club, I hadn't realized that he was trying to make me his boy-toy for the evening. By now, I'm pretty uncomfortable because I have no intention of sleeping with this guy. Of course, I realize the irony of the situation as I'm also sitting next to him while two naked men with penis implants are writhing around on the stage covered in soap suds. (Yes, soap suds.)

He starts to get a little tipsy... he asks if I am feeling the booze. Sorry, dude. I'm 6'4" and I've lived through multiple Tempe summers... not even close.

How do I navigate this situation? I don't want to offend him or to cause either of us to lose face. (Losing face, getting angry, is a big no-no in Thailand, even in dire situations.) He has, after all, shown me all around town and I've had a lot of fun. I decide that the best plan of attack is to stress how tired I am, that I need to go home and get some sleep. I tell him that I'm going to go home when I'm done with my beer. We leave.

I was very much aware of how I had, inadvertently, teased this guy into thinking that he was going to get laid. I feel bad! I tell him that I can walk back to my guesthouse, that he doesn't have to give me a ride, but he insists. Poor chap... he tries so hard to get me to come back to his apartment to talk and drink whiskey until I get my second wind. I just have to keep stressing how tired I am, which is true.

Jimmy pushes his agenda all the way home, but I hold fast. He drops me off, I thank him profusely for showing me around, playing dumb to the fact that he's trying with every ounce of his being to sleep with me. He tells me to call him, we shake hands, I go inside and go to bed, amazed at how strange and amazing the night has been.

Wowie.